Seasonal Rumblings

I made it!! My seasonal time of vulnerability has passed. A few little rumblings, but no grand event or upheaval to report. Prime time for me is the end of summer going into fall. For most of my adult life I was clueless to this vital fact in managing my mental health. When the highs would show up, my story was that I’m finally back. The real me is here! For those of us who don’t experience full psychosis or hearing voices this is pretty common to see our experiences in such a way. We usually have some companion issues that came out of the aftermath of our first experiences that can become our focus. Mine was anxiety, which I’ve mostly sorted out, and now can clearly see came out of the traumatic aftermath of my first experience and forced hospitalization. The hypomanic highs would propel me out of these anxious patterns and the feeling was- I am back!! More confidence, insight, creative energy, a break from the anxious patterns and a time to just be me. I honestly miss these highs and there can be a temptation to indulge if I notice something starting. But then I remember the disturbed sleep patterns, relationship upheaval, ego death, and re-creation. This is not for the faint of heart.

I had a few days in early fall when I noticed some subtle shifts. I didn’t need the same amount of caffeine I usually use, I wasn’t tired at the usual time in the evening, I wanted to start three projects at once, I was being extra direct and brutally honest with a few loved ones, my wounded parts getting involved and overriding my centered self……trouble! These first rumblings are called the prodromes within the biomedical realm. When I was younger, I would run toward the light in these moments, and the acceleration of experience would begin. Who needs sleep! Before you know it I’d be within a full-blown grand event. Unfortunately, the grand event has a flip side. For me it’s a time of disturbed sleep, fatigue, moodiness, quicker to speak uncomfortable truths, which can cause much collateral damage in one's life. Luckily, I’ve never fallen into the heavy, debilitating depression that can come with these experiences. This phase can last for months and can be a time of alienation from the support I really need. I can be a real mofo in these times!

But I have some tools now with a deeper level of awareness of what is happening and needed. Here are a few things that are vital for me when these first rumblings appear. First, a call to my people who now know what I know and are ready to give me the support I need. I have a written document called a TMAP (Transformational Mutual Aid Practices) which is one of the many powerful tools that came out of the Icarus Project - https://tmapscommunity.net/. These maps, as stated on the website, are a set of tools that provide space for building a personal “map” of wellness strategies, resilience practices, unique stories, and community resources. These maps are very useful when shared with your main support. It was also the beginning of seeing how writing about my experiences has much therapeutic value and can be a bridge in building meaningful community.

Also of importance is making sure I maintain good sleep hygiene. CBDs and sleep tinctures can be very helpful within these moments to help get some sleep and stay on schedule with sleep patterns. Going to bed and getting up at the same time, no matter how much I’ve slept, is also important to keeping my rhythms in place. Light also plays an important role, too much and too little depending on the time of year and the time of day. For the end of summer rumblings a good pair of amber blue light-blocking glasses are useful in regulating light and helping maintain circadian rhythms. There are some studies out there now that validate this connection to light and mania. It can take a long time to get normal sleep patterns back and this isn’t as easy as it was when I was younger.

There are also some Buddhist sensibilities that can naturally arise when confronting the spaces that open within these experiences. Being shocked out of one's sense of self can bring an intimate closeness to impermanence and the infinite void just around the corner. I was very aware of this during my time with the Hearing Voices Network where I realized that I am not alone in seeing that Buddhist practices and philosophy can be very helpful in relating to these experiences and finding some comfort when so close to the abyss. There were many gatherings with the primary themes being impermanence, seeing pain and suffering as the way, and cultivating a good sitting practice as useful and practical tools. The call to sit still and pay attention, instead of running to the light , crucial in my evolution of understanding and keeping things from getting out of hand. When I would sit still in these moments I’d start to really see what was going on and the self-healing quality to what was coming up. A radical shift with a whole new momentum.

This is also a time to lean into the self-care tools I’ve already established for myself. Regular cardiovascular exercise, yoga, support groups, diet, therapist at the ready…. It’s easy to forget about the importance of regular care when these shifts occur, and to have some practices in place can be helpful in avoiding the grand event.

Lastly, is how the regular presence of kids in my life keeps me grounded and present. On the worst of days, I will leave the school uplifted and transformed, sometimes forgetting the darker ruminations that were present from the restless night before. No matter what's going on beyond the school gate, when I enter everything pauses, as I find a presence and clarity with the connections I have with these little beings. It’s the adult world and interactions that I’ve always struggled with. Here, everything makes sense and it’s a place to pause and show up for others. This reset is beyond measure and difficult to completely quantify.

I recall a day early in our school year. I had a rough night's sleep and was feeling a bit down as I entered the school space. Immediately, one of my more empathic kids was at my side, asking me what was wrong, her hand holding mine, looking into my eyes with love as she started singing one of our favorite circle-time songs. She announced that she needed some help in cheering me up, and suddenly I am surrounded as we’re all singing and laughing together. My mood quickly lifted, and a beautiful day unfolded. This is my normal. My own little support group at the ready. Perhaps, also a model of how to approach those who are struggling in our own communities. A spontaneous circle forming around those who are struggling filled with love and song, instead of the isolation that is all too common.

It’s hard to say of all the things I’ve established in my care what is most important, but moments like these stand out as fundamental to the relative health I have found in my present life. A reputable school for the families in my community but also a healing space for me when needed.

I’m settling into winter now, feeling held by the darkness with a real sense of new life incubating within. I’m sleeping great. My primary relationships are solid. I’m seeing and being seen for who I truly am, and I’m not afraid of being real when things get ugly, with a little more grace and awareness than my younger mofo had. My story has radically changed as I rest with the totality of being me. My heart beating strong and my internal compass leading the way. The gap between supposed symptoms and self blending into the unique expression of me in this lifetime. Onwards !!

Much Love!

The Mad Preschool Teacher

He/Him