As some of you may know if you’ve read some of my past posts this time of year is usually when I’m most vulnerable to what I sometimes like to call the grand event. My “bipolar tendencies” definitely have a seasonal flavor to them, and the end of summer heading into fall is when things have most consistently shown up over the years.
Of course, I’ve mostly moved beyond the language of bipolar at this point. The best short description I have right now is that I seem to be seasonally susceptible to potentially challenging spiritual awakening events that can kick my ass depending on how I’m caring for myself. That works for me at the moment but I also see myself growing beyond even needing that kind of definition. For I am just a person, like anyone else, with particular sensitivities and rhythms that I’m learning how to live with and care for. That actually sounds even better.
Currently, I have been feeling some of those familiar little rumblings mixed into my days. Nothing alarming and I’m sleeping well enough, feeling grounded, and most importantly paying attention. But there’s a little more magic and enchantment around the edges. A little more clarity and energy. A little more awe and grief. Things just feel a little more alive. The difference is that I recognize this place now and seem to have learned how to be here without automatically being swept away by it.
I think one primary difference is the relative absence of fear and how it would hijack and escalate these spaces. The silent terror was a shared terminology during some of my visits in the past to the local Hearing Voices Network support group. It turns out I wasn’t alone and that feeling seemed to loosen the grip of some of the old fears. I still feel connected to that circle and what it showed me. I’ll try and write another post soon about that time and the friends I made.
We’re just getting a new school year rolling with a whole bunch of uniquely beautiful new little people. We definitely have our work cut out for us at the moment, but we are settling in quickly. I get such a charge from connecting with all this new life. There’s something almost intoxicating about it for me. All these new personalities, relationships, and possibilities suddenly coming alive around me.
I understand that charge differently now than I used to. I can see how in the past it probably contributed to some of my seasonal upheaval. I would open myself completely to all this energy without really knowing I was doing it, while also sleeping less, working harder, feeling more, thinking more, and becoming increasingly captivated with everything around me. I don’t want to lose that part of myself. But I’ve learned that I need to know how to have two feet on the ground while allowing myself to carefully access some of the gifts that show up within these spaces. And it feels like I am figuring this out.
Here’s a gift I received on our first day from one of the new kids. We sat together for a while and drew pictures for each other. It’s me! My hair was getting a little wild at the time:-) It’s pretty hard not to stay positive when someone sees me like this!
During this season I also find myself typically having more access to all the grief and pain within and all around me. There is so much suffering in the world right now, and plenty of grief and sadness that comes with allowing myself to really feel it. Staying grounded for me means I can’t look away or allow myself to become numb, but I also know I can’t carry everything. So this is another part of the dance for me: staying openhearted, letting myself feel what I feel, doing what I can, and having the sense and practices to shut it down before it becomes too much. Somehow the school is always there to balance me out with structure and purpose, while keeping me leaning towards the light.
It’s pretty clear to me now that I need regular access to this part of myself. If I’m not feeling the sadness, if I’m not crying sometimes and allowing some of that grief to move through me, I can get just as out of balance as when I’m feeling too much of it. My tears have actually become a pretty reliable gauge for my health. Too many and I know I may be getting overwhelmed. None at all and I start to wonder what I’m holding back or not allowing myself to feel which can build up and cause problems if I’m not careful. Somewhere in between seems to be where I’m healthiest.
I’m a regular listener of the This Is Love Podcast which is great for keeping my heart open during times when I’m stuck in my head a bit too much. Also a useful counterweight to the news of the day!
So I finished this summer feeling a bit stretched and full with a little worry about what may be coming. I intentionally planned a little more than I normally would. More trips, mostly to spend time with family and friends. More stepping outside the carefully managed little world I’ve created for myself. I definitely still have limits, and I’m learning to respect them, but I also keep discovering that I’m more capable than I sometimes assume.
I’ve spent years learning how to protect myself, and for good reason. I know what can happen when I become overstimulated, exhausted, disconnected from my rhythms, or simply take on too much. But there’s another trap hidden inside all this thoughtful self management and if I’m not careful I can get trapped within it all.
So part of this moment seems to be about gently testing those assumptions and going a little farther. Saying yes sometimes when my first instinct is to stay safely inside the routines I know. I’m already realizing that the edges of my life are moving and it’s just taking me a little time to catch up.
Maybe what I’m experiencing right now is something closer to optimal health for me. Not the absence of these sensitivities or even these familiar rumblings, but a deeper awareness of what’s happening and how to care for myself while it does. Maybe I don’t have to shut the door on the sacred parts of these places in order to stay healthy. Maybe I can touch some of it without being swept away. And maybe this is just my new normal, the way I am supposed to be with who I am in this life?
So that’s pretty much where I am today. Getting a little taste of the magic and enchantment with two feet still on the ground. Gratitude and awe right there alongside the grief and pain.
And somehow it all feels perfect today. We’ll see what tomorrow brings….
Much Love!
The Mad Preschool Teacher (He/Him)