The Mad Preschool Teacher

Mad preschool teacher!  How is it possible to put  these words together to honestly describe one's place in the world?  Perhaps, this combination of words brings a sense of confusion, concern, or at least a bit of curiosity to read on, I hope.    If your framework for what the word mad  means is only informed by the  dominant Western model of mental health it probably makes no sense at all.   So now may be as good a time as any to expand on what these states that have been described as mad may mean and who better than a mad preschool teacher to help.

My voice may be somewhat unique, considering I’ve been the reputable preschool teacher in my community for over 25 years. Yes, a person who’d be considered mentally ill by mainstream standards is a respected care provider for children.   I own and teach within a unique nature/play-based program  I’ve created that is always full with a waitlist.  Our emphasis is on the emotional/social, the importance of imaginary play, community health, caring for one’s gifts and sharing, and cultivating empathy toward others. With this, and the understanding that we are all born needing to be seen and valued you have the necessary ingredients to create a reputable preschool.

On a recent tour of the school, the parents heard me referred to as  the ‘kid whisperer’. I get kids and part of the depth and empathy that I have for this work comes from my experiences that would be labeled sickness within the dominant psychiatric biomedical pharmaceutical model that most of us have formed our assumptions around.    Within  this model bipolar 2 would be my label and most likely I’d be told I need to be on medication if I wanted to lead a productive life.  I was told this during my first experience when I was forcibly hospitalized at 16 years old.  I don’t take medication-it never worked for me-and my life is productive. Productive by the dominant reality's standards and productive in the growth, healing, and actualization of gifts that I use as a more accurate gauge of such measures.  

So how do I describe my experiences?  Lately, my short answer has been, I am seasonally susceptible to challenging heart opening, spiritual awakening events dependent on how I am caring for myself.  Or even more simply put, I am a very sensitive person.

From the beginning there was always the sense of a mythopoetic call to heal and serve within these experiences which was just labeled as a symptom during my first event.    At certain times of the year I can go through subtle or more acute rhythm changes that can follow the ups and downs of the biomedical description of a bipolar experience.  The ups can be full of deep heart opening expanded states of consciousness full of visions and teachings  followed by a descent into a time  of disturbed sleep patterns, fatigue, edginess, quicker to speak uncomfortable truths, and a  fertile time within the darkness I’ve learned to appreciate  now that I have a better understanding of my rhythms and a real sense of how to care for myself.  What may be hard to understand is that I can both be experiencing these changes and showing up for my life with all its responsibilities.  In some ways  it feels since my first experience that I’ve been training all along  in how to have a foot in both worlds: the world of my ego within a sick culture with  all its rules and responsibilities, and the world of heart-opening expanded consciousness with all the beauty and terror such spaces can invoke.  At this point it’s just normal and what I do.

I’m lucky I’ve never fallen into the heavy debilitating depression that can be so difficult for those of us with these experiences. Someone in a shared experience group once commented that I hit the jackpot within this spectrum.  I get to experience the hypomanic insights and highs, and not get crushed by the depression. I know now if I am careful with my care and my interpersonal relationships are healthy I can get through my seasonal times of vulnerability with subtle shifts or no shifts at all.  But I have not recovered. More accurately, I’d say I have been transformed.  

These events can still come up with unexpected stressors, the most common being relationship stress, and the triggering of my extreme childhood-wounded parts. The childhood trauma piece is huge and worthy of another post. I know now the more comfortable I am at being seen, with all the shame and pain from my unique trauma, the better it is for my overall health. It is very common for those of us within the spectrum described as bipolar/schizophrenia to have some difficult childhood or generational trauma associated with our experiences. I’m no different!

Internal Family Systems is very useful for me in identifying and caring for these parts and understanding when their extreme versions take over.   A central piece in my overall self-care approach and keeping my gifts manageable and supportive . For my kid whispering skills have not solely been honed in my work life; as I have learned to identify, communicate with, and care for these internal parts. For me the inward journey of learning to love myself and all its parts  is as much a part of why I am called the kid whisperer as are my experiences holding space for children over the years.

Maryse Mitchell Brodey  in her essay entitled “The Icarus Project: Dangerous gifts, Iridescent visions, and mad community” states:

Those of us who experience madness might also describe ourselves as possessing “exquisite nervous systems.” That is to say that perhaps we are more sensitive than the general population, which allows us to take in more, to think more rapidly, and to perceive relationships, connections and details that others may not notice or consider to be of little consequence. Some would, and do, consider these heightened kinds of awareness to be indicators of mental illness. Labels like delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, hysteria, and anxiety are often put upon these sensitivities without regard for the additional harm that having one’s functioning pathologized might inflict. 

It took  a long time in my adult life to untangle and root out the negative story and language around my unique gifts. A big part of my struggle and the feeling of being stuck was the story that I was given by the biomedical model and the isolation that came along with it. The word gift was non-existent as I learned to survive and isolate with my sensitivities, as a lot of us do when we are given the biomedical story.   The isolation   can contribute to the extremes of ‘symptoms’ and the inability to move toward growth and healing.  For me, and a lot of others, these experiences are self-healing guides if they are allowed to breathe and move, especially, with some connection to others with similar lived experiences and some awareness around other possible stories of what these experiences are.     But the biomedical approach is to quickly pacify symptoms with no understanding that the ‘symptoms’ can actually be a guide to recovery or transformation of experience beyond pathology and sickness.  This approach only allows room for one story, which is usually really bad for your mental health.

One of the many things I have relearned from my time with children is that we are all storytellers and we create our own story with the power of our unique spark and imagination, what’s happening in the reality around us, and the participation of others with that story. It plays out every day around here, and it’s also the best behavioral management strategy. In my experience, kids act out most when they are not given the time to play and create stories. We are hardwired to do this. It didn’t take long in my journey as an early childhood educator to realize this and how important it is in the development of the whole person. It took a little longer to realize how important this is for me, and part of putting this newsletter out is to see who else wants to play to create better stories around our mental health and what’s possible.

These posts are starting out anonymous for now. Some obvious fears about how this could impact my school and the extra stress that may arise from being exposed to those who will have a hard time seeing beyond ingrained assumptions.   But part of the current call to serve is to support others with similar lived experiences, especially, within my own community, which will require more visibility. This is a step in that direction.  I know now if I don’t answer the call,  the call may awaken me.   Just a symptom or a richer and more adventurous way to navigate one's life? I’m choosing the latter, and that’s why I’m here.

I look forward to sharing more in future posts  of the delight and wonder I've experienced with these kiddos over the years, the impact they’ve had on my own journey of healing and transformation, and how my understanding of what my experiences are has been shaped by this exposure. It’s easy to argue that we’re all struggling to get back to our heart-centered creative birthright. These little teachers have been helping guide me back all along.

Here’s a poem I wrote recently. Thanks so much for taking the time to read!  

I needed a guide

Still feels like yesterday
16 alone with this unrecognized gift
I can touch God
I can feel everything
Way too much pain though too much beauty
I needed a shaman a wise elder 
Someone who’s been there and done that
I shouldn’t be alone with this
The psychiatrist just builds more walls
Messiah complex? I better keep my mouth shut
Just try this pill. no this one. nope again. we’ll find one
He needs to be in the one month involuntary hospital program
Poor mom! She was just trying to help
She didn’t know they’d take me to the state hospital
Once called the Northern States Hospital for the Insane
She didn't know how dark and terrible that place was
She didn’t know how violently I’d resist
That pain and rage is still in my body
It felt good to punch that cop though
The only real therapy I could find at the time
I never physically hurt anyone besides the cop
Was never a real danger to myself
They all thought I was
I just couldn’t go to school
There was  way too much to feel at school
I felt calm sitting in the woods by the river 
Listening to music in my room
More self created therapy
I was on to something but I needed a guide
He’s got to go to school
He’s got to participate in the system
We’ve got to make this stop
I couldn’t resist without that guide
I started believing the sick dangerous broken story
It became background noise a heavy weight a barrier to my true self             
I’ve rooted out most of that story now
A long and difficult journey
Answered the call that was there all along
Rolled up my sleeves and learned to be my own healer
How to ask for help be real vulnerable and true
Care for my genius and serve
And now I am that guide 
Traveling through time back to my 16 year old self
Bringing the fragmented pieces together 
Preparing myself to look outward
As a wounded healer
As the guide I never had 


Much Love!
The Mad Preschool Teacher
He/Him

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